A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
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