I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
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