How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
All things must grass.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
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