You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
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