I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
"It's wine o'clock."
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
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