Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Rudder valve reversals
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
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