You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
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