Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Do you comma here often?
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
I'm snow bored.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I get a real kick out of you.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
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