Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
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