Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
I’ll never fir-get.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
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