H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
You're one in a melon.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
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