What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I’m kind of a big dill.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
We've reached the point of snow return.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
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