The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Tropic like it's hot.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I love you so fairy much.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
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