Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
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