Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
The calm before the score
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
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