Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
I like your tight end
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
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