I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
It's ice to meet you.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
All punts are highly intended
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
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