Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Distill my beating heart.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
I scored when I met you.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
"You bake me crazy."
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
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