When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
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