I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
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