What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What a spud muffin.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Football is one habit I will never kick
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
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