What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
I can sea clearly now.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
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