Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Don't get tide down.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
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