What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
"Read between the wines."
"Lazy bones."
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
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