I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
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