What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
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