Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
You're my purr-son.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What does a house wear?
Address.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Seas the day!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
I always have a ball with you.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Irish you luck.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
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