Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Cutest clover in the patch.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
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