Practice safe text: use commas.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Let me plant one on ya!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
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