What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
All stereos are so typical.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
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