What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
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