What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
It was mitten in the stars.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
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