Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
"I mead more wine."
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
I beg your garden?
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
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