Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Best in snow.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
"That's all, yolks."
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
I whale always love you.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
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