What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
"Read between the wines."
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
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