I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
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