How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
"Having a good hare day."
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
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