What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
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