Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
I’m feelin’ pine.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Potato puns are a-peeling.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
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