What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Paddy like a rockstar.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
"Sip happens."
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
It’s snow joke.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
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