How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
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