Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
We make a great pear
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
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