What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
I think you're mer-mazing.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
"Time to wine down."
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
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