Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Wish upon a starfish.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
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