It was mitten in the stars.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Reading is a novel idea.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Snow thank you.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
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