What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I get a real kick out of you.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
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