What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
They say everything gets better with age.
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