Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
I think therefore I yam.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Salty but sweet.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
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