My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Long time no sea.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Air resistance is a real drag.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
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