What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
One more thyme.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
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