Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
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