What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
"You crack me up."
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
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