What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Just brew it!
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
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