Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
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