What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
I dig you a hole lot.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
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