The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Wear green, or leaf.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Distill my beating heart.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
I love you from my head tomato
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
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