Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Water you doing, my friend?
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Your presents is requested.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
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