What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
She has high elf-esteem.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
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