England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
You have a pizza my heart.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Trowel and error.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Salty but sweet.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
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