What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Best in snow.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
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