I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Can I be Candide with you?
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
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