The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
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