What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
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