Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Love at frost sight!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Go to BabaMail
