A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
We make a great pear
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
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