We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Nothing really mattress.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
It was mitten in the stars.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
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