“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
You're the ruler of my heart.
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