Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Get clover it, babe.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
We make a great pear
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
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