Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
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