Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
All things must grass.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
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