How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
As it snow happens.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Trowel and error.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
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