What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
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