I think you’re dandelion.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
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