Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
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