I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Fishing you a happy day.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Have you botany plants lately?
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
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