I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Readers do it by the book.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
"You had me at merlot."
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
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