The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
I whale always love you.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Shake your shamrocks.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
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