Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
The pint’s the limit.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
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