Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
We make a great pear
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Shell-abrate the good times!
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I love you meow and forever.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
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