Shake your shamrocks.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
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