What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Have you botany plants lately?
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I goat this.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Pugs and kisses.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
You octopi my thoughts.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
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