While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
You’re my pot of gold.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
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